Okay. My boyfriend already warned me to not read the book Thirteen Reasons Why because he knows anytime I could have my mental breakdowns (moments when I uncontrollably cry and eventually hurt myself). But I just couldn’t stop myself from doing so because like all the characters, I am also looking for my reasons.. for my whys.
I am struggling to keep myself alive every single day. It is not because I am physically sick but because I do not have the will to live. I do not know why or when it started. I guess it just happened. Well, there were events that I do not want to put into details that contributed generously enough to why though.
I am not clinically depressed since I do not want to meet any therapist but I know I am depressed person. Do not misjudge when I said I don’t want to meet a therapist, it is just I don’t know what to say if I’ll be ask if how I was doing because honestly, I don’t even have the slighest idea.
Let me described to you as honestly and as many descriptive words I could. So, every day it feels like hollow empty black hole but somehow a beautiful one. It is like a milky way; a beauty but scary. You just don’t have the idea what is in there or what is gonna happen next. Why I say it is a beauty then? I do not know either. It feels just like it. You get to observed everyone and anything, see the of their existence and many more but only just like that. You get to see them and be with them but you feel an outcast. Okay. I fail. I cannot really described it well. It is more than happy, sad, lonely or sad. It is not even being neutral because neutral is choosing. You got the choice not to feel and I don’t. Someone died inside me. I want to revive her but I think I lost her forever.
Have I thought about suicide? Every day. I just trying to cling so must not into fall into that pit. And, that makes me feel more into it. As I try to push it aside, it keeps coming back. I am even now afraid of it. I am trying so hard to find my why. Why do I have it? Why must keep living? Why I must fight it? More whys and whys and whys.
People mostly think that offering an encouraging words, being positive, listening and being there are the very magic that chase it away. Wrong. No. It does not work that way. It is a fight between myself and I. I really do not know what one can offer to help me because right now I think no one any anything can help.
How about family? Friends? Lover? Well, they do not understand. They may say they do but I know they do not.
I guess I already tried everything. Travel, poetry, writing journals, books and a lot more but they only help temporarily. My mind is constanly talking, thinking and I cannot keep up with it.And even though I try all these, they just don’t work for me big time.
What will be my thirteen reasons why? Why I should? Why I should not?
Words are raw. Do.not.judge.or.talk.about.me.to.anyone